Ignore the polls. Rejoining the EU is a deluded fantasy

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A 2019 march by the People’s Vote

Is Brexit doomed? In the past week, two separate pollsters have found huge support for rejoining the EU. According to Redfield and Wilton, 61 per cent of us would vote to rejoin tomorrow. And according to Savanta, enthusiasm among the young is even higher. Of those aged 18-25, support for rejoining stands at 86 per cent.

Such figures make it sound as if Brexit’s demise is inevitable, sooner or later. In reality, though, there’s no need for Brexiteers to panic – for one very simple reason.

The people responding to these polls don’t really want to rejoin. They want to reverse. That is, they want to travel back in time to the good old days, before all this Brexity unpleasantness began. They want everything to be as it used to. Which means membership of the EU on the exact same terms as we had before.

But the EU will never offer us those same terms. There’s no reason to think it would give us the rebate we had (which means membership would be far more expensive). It may expect us to join Schengen. But most crucially, it would insist that – like all countries who wish to join the EU these days – we adopt the euro.

This makes rejoining a non-starter. A hopeless fantasy. Whenever anyone says they want to rejoin, ask them whether they’re willing to sacrifice the pound to achieve it. It makes a big difference. A poll by Omnisis in November last year found that 57 per cent of us wanted to rejoin the EU. Of those would-be rejoiners, though, over a quarter said they wouldn’t vote for it if it meant scrapping the pound. Which, in the real world, it surely would.

It’s funny how things turn out. Remainers used to mock Brexiteers for wanting a form of Brexit that was never attainable. One that was all upside, no downside. One where we “hold all the cards”, and the EU will give us whatever we want.

Now, however, many Remainers are guilty of the same type of wishful thinking. They want a form of Rejoin that isn’t attainable. One that is all upside, no downside. One where we “hold all the cards”, and the EU will give us whatever we want.

It just goes to show what I’ve always said: Nigel Farage is the most influential politician of our age. Even Remainers now think like him.

It’s time to make Americans eat their words

Americans often make fun of us for our food. They are of course entitled to their views. I can’t help feeling, though, that their mockery would be on somewhat firmer ground if they actually knew the first thing about it.

Even Americans who profess to love this country seem to have very strange ideas about our diet. At the weekend, the New York Times reported that anglophile Americans celebrated the Coronation by enjoying a traditional British meal. Apparently, they “dined on scones, scotch eggs and breakfast pie; they wore gloves and the small headpieces called fascinators; and sipped tea or drinks like Buck’s Fizzes, a non-alcoholic version of a mimosa.”

I’m not sure where to begin. Perhaps by saying that any British person who served “Buck’s Fizzes” without alcohol would be immediately stripped of his or her citizenship. And do Americans really believe that we eat while wearing gloves?

The item that intrigued me most of all, however, was “breakfast pie”. Despite having lived in Britain for the entirety of my 42 years on Earth, I have somehow yet to encounter this ubiquitous national delicacy. Sadly, the New York Times neglected to reveal what its ingredients are. I’m imagining sausages, boiled eggs, corn flakes and marmalade, topped with a delicious pastry crust.

Still, we can hardly blame Americans for knowing so little about our food if their main source of information is the New York Times. So consistently unreliable is its reporting on the subject, I can only assume that it does it on purpose to wind us up. Two weeks ago it told its readers that toad-in-the-hole is scrambled eggs on toast, sprinkled with cheese. Last year it published a recipe for full English, saying it must be baked in the oven and, “most authentically”, served with cold baked beans, “straight from a can”. And in 2018 it claimed that the average Londoner’s staple diet consists of “porridge and boiled mutton”.

Enough is enough. I won’t stand to see our nation’s culinary heritage traduced in this outrageous manner. I hereby issue an open invitation to all staff of the New York Times to visit me at home, where I promise to dazzle them with a freshly cooked, 100 per cent authentic British meal.

The menu will be fried rat, maggot stew and turnip trifle. If they will insist on rubbishing our food, I can at least enjoy making them sick in the process.

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